有天跟儿子聊天。我：儿子，你知道你出生的时候哭得特别凶吗？把你爹我吵死了。儿子白了我一眼：唉，我第一眼看到你，我就知道投错胎了。
One day I talked to my son. Me: son, do you know you cried very hard when you were born? It"s killing your father. My son gave me a white look: Alas, the first time I saw you, I knew I had the wrong baby.
我已经整整半年没称过体重了，因为我：心。里。有。数。
I haven"t weighed myself for half a year, because I: heart. Inside. yes. Number.
同学聚会，混得最好的同学说：这次就我来买单吧！我当场反对：凭什么这次你买单？以后每次都你买单！
At the classmate party, the best classmate said: I"ll pay the bill this time! I objected on the spot: Why did you pay this time? You pay every time in the future!
你永远不知道那些看起来穷的人有多有钱，但我不一样，我是表里如一的穷。
You never know how rich those who look poor are, but I"m different. I"m as poor as I look.
找对了人，一辈子浪漫变老，找错了人，一辈子华山论剑！
If you find the right person, you will grow old romantically all your life. If you find the wrong person, you will talk about Huashan sword all your life!
你可以在我面前炫富，是在暗示我，以后吃饭钱你付。
You can show off your wealth in front of me. You are implying me that you will pay for dinner in the future.
故人西辞黄鹤楼，临走送了一桶油，故人边走还边想，这个小子真是抠。
I left the Yellow Crane Tower in the West and sent a bucket of oil before I left. I thought while walking. This boy is really stingy.
结婚为什么要放爆竹啊？想必是给自己壮胆吧。
Why do you set off firecrackers when you get married? It must be to embolden yourself.
熬夜不好，会智力下降，还会变丑，所以，保险起见，我们还是通宵来的保险。
Staying up late is not good, it will reduce intelligence and become ugly. Therefore, to be on the safe side, we"d better come all night.
我一再强调做人要低调。可你们非要给我掌声和尖叫。
I have repeatedly stressed that we should keep a low profile. But you have to give me applause and scream.
地铁上说禁止携带易燃易爆物品，我默默地下车了。因为我可爱到爆。
The subway said it was forbidden to carry inflammables and explosives. I got off the bus silently. Because I"m so cute.
事事有意料之外，月月有余额不足。
Everything is unexpected. There is a shortage of balance every month.
千万不能胖，不然以后穷得去讨饭，都没人信你是乞丐。
Don"t be fat, or the poor will beg for food in the future, and no one will believe you are a beggar.
我这个人脾气是好，但是一旦有人触碰到了我的底线，那我会降低底线。
I have a good temper, but once someone touches my bottom line, I will lower the bottom line.
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